I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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