Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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