my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize