I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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