dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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