If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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