he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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