I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
