Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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