there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
