can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
