Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
