So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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