I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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