I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize