she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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