he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
