I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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