Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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