He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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