im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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