my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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