dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
