so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
