3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
