oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
