Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
