Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
