i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
