Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
