Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
