every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
