my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
