I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
