my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
