So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
