Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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