I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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