I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
