babies were throwing up all over the place
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
