Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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