if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My ass is underappreciated
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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