Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
