I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
