i barfeds in our rink
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
