We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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