I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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