I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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