halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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