I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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