Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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