I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
