The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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