bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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