On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
